


the one that got away

by saphinias



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Christmas, Depression, M/M, Unrequited Love, kind of?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 11:30:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/798248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saphinias/pseuds/saphinias
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis’ 14th birthday alone is interrupted by a welcome and yet slightly unwelcome guest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the one that got away

**Author's Note:**

> There’s a bit of backstory for this. Basically when Louis was 20 Harry up and left one day, leaving Louis and the rest of the band a total and complete mess. This is 14 years afterward, on Louis’ 34th birthday.

It was Christmas Eve at the Tomlinson residence.  The flat Louis had lived in for fifteen years now, was covered in glittering tinsel and pine needles.  The lights were out, but for the single candle on a small, lopsided cupcake in the center of the island in the kitchen.  White flurries interrupted the otherwise dimly lit London sky.

“Happy birthday, Tommo.  Gettin’ old,” Louis spoke into the silence.  The words settled in the room.  Louis was sitting crosslegged on the island in front of his cupcake.  He leaned forward and blew out the flickering candle, wishing for the same thing as every other year spent alone.  Louis sighed and unwrapped it, already getting choked up.

He should’ve gone to Niall’s for Christmas.  He missed Niall’s boys almost as much as he missed Niall.  It was a terrible idea to do Christmas and his birthday alone.  He got so disgusted with the situation he’d put himself in that he didn’t want to finish the cupcake, and couldn’t really be bothered to finish chewing his bite.  He spit his mouthful out in the bin and left the rest on the counter.  Would it be weird to go turn on his tree and lay under it?  Louis decided he didn’t care.  Nobody would know, anyway.

As soon as he got comfortable on the floor with his rattiest (and favorite) old blanket, there was a knock at the door.  Who the fuck would knock on his door and 11:30 pm on Christmas Eve?  Whoever it was was going to have to deal with him decked out in Christmas pajamas and jingle bell reindeer antlers, topped off with a faded brown blanket.

He opened the door with his best scowl on.  He had to look up to meet the man’s eyes, and when he did his scowl dropped with his blanket.  Louis thought of how he must look.  Swimming in a horrendous old Christmas sweater, fesetive red and green Grinch pajama bottoms, askew reindeer antlers, with eyes wide.

“Um, happy birthday,” the man said uncertainly.

“Yeah, uh, thanks,” was all Louis could manage.

Harry was standing on his doorstep.  Pea coat, beanie, snowflakes perched in the curls poking out, and a pair of unforgettable eyes.  He looked…he looked older.  But there he stood, hands shoved in his pockets, _looking_  at him.

And Louis hadn’t seen him in fourteen years and now he’d literally shown up on his doorstep on  _Christmas Eve_ , no less.

“Uh, I didn’t mean to wake you up -“

“I wasn’t sleeping, no worries,” Louis assured him.  Then, “Is this weird?  This is weird.”

“Yeah,” is all Harry said to that.  ”Can I come inside?”

Louis recognized that his flat would be getting cold.  Letting Harry in or just closing the door in his face would both solve this problem.  Unfortunately, it was a decision that Louis didn’t have to think about.  He stepped aside and Harry stepped  _in_ side.

His anxiety was sure to surface any second.  The moment the shock wore off he would have an anxiety attack in front of Harry who he hadn’t seen in more than a decade.  What a great way to greet the man he’d been pining over for almost half his life now.  Louis was thinking these things but then suddenly he was speaking and wow did he still not have a filter?

“Why the fuck are you in my house?” he had said.  Louis surprised himself because he guessed anxiety but he got anger instead.  

Harry shrugged, “You invited me in.”

“No, you invited yourself in and I allowed it.  Why are you here?” Louis snapped.

He shrugged again, and Louis wanted to smack him.  (Actually he wanted to pummel his face into the ground, but that conflicted with the fact that he also wanted to jump his bones and cry all over him.  So he settled with wanting to smack him.)  ”I was in London and I know it’s your birthday and -“

“Don’t give me that bullshit.  You left without explaining yourself to  _anybody_ , been in contact with  _none_  of the boys, or your friends,  _or_  your family.  So you suddenly decide after fourteen years of running that you should just pop in for a visit?   _Bull.  Shit_.”

“I ran into Zayn a few times,” Harry offers.  Louis seethes.

“Well of course!  And he didn’t care to  _mention_  that you were  _alright_?  But noo,  _solidarity_  between two guys  _running from everything_!” Louis yelled.

“…maybe I should go -“

“You think you’re going to just fucking  _leave_?  Why did you come here if you were just gonna leave?  That’s…that’s torture!” Louis’ voice broke, and he really couldn’t be blamed.  

“I’m sorry,” Harry whispered, truly looking the part.

“Oh, you’re  _sorry_?  Fantastic, now I can get on with my life!” Louis cried.

“I didn’t mean for this to happen…”

“For what to happen?  For the band to fall apart without you?  For Niall to need therapy?  For Zayn to run, following your great example?” Louis snapped.  Harry was crying with a hand over his mouth, like he couldn’t believe it.  

“Yeah.  Yeah, but you, Lou.  I never meant to -“

Louis spoke softly now.  ”You know I used to have anxiety attacks when I was away from this _place_  for too long?  I can’t move the furniture around, and I can’t reorganize the kitchen, and I can’t get rid of your shit collecting dust in your bedroom.  It’s like I  _need_  to preserve everything _just_  the way it was, so maybe this is all a horrible dream, and I’ll wake up and hear you in the kitchen.  But I never do,” Louis’ voice broke.  He dropped to the floor with a soft  _thump_.  Harry sat down beside him, no longer looking him in the eyes.

Harry sighed and wiped his eyes.  ”I’m sorry, Louis.  But I had to go.  I went about it the wrong way, but I wouldn’t take it back for anything.”

“If you’re here to try to make things go back to the way they were, you really should just leave.  You won’t want me anymore,” Louis rasps, his voice thick with tears.

“No, I know they can’t go back.  But I do love you, Louis.  We just don’t match, don’t fit together anymore,” Harry says.  Louis has his face turned away because Harry just said that _he loved him_.  But he was right, he was right, they didn’t fit anymore.  ”I dunno, maybe someday.  But not now.”

Louis nodded.  He could feel the words  _I love you, too_  bubbling up inside him, wanting to spill over, but he resisted.  Harry knew.

“I have a flat here, in the city,” Harry said.

“After traveling the whole world, you come back to dreary old London?  What poor taste you have,” Louis teased, de ja vu hitting him hard.

“No place like home,” Harry smiled.  

“No,” Louis agreed softly.

Their hands seemed to find each other after sitting for a long time.  Even if they didn’t match up anymore, their fingers still wove together seamlessly.  When the early morning grey light started shining through the windows they both got up and let go.  Louis saw him to the door.  

This time when Harry left, Louis was the one closing the door.


End file.
